(Also posted on Medium)
Lately, my mind is constantly returning to the thoughts and ideas in the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. As a father and husband, building deeper connections with my children and wife is important to me, and the teachings from this book helps do that.
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The learnings have started to change how I communicate with the people I love and the people I choose to interact with.
I’m still hasty; I often start talking without considering others’ needs and feelings, but I have noticed myself contemplating conversations much more often and how I could have made a better connection. Now I try to slow down and be deliberate with my thoughts when speaking with folks.
Most of the time, I find it’s better to say nothing and take your time than to say or do something hurtful you can never take back.
Here are three lessons I thought were important that I wanted to share with you.
1. You are responsible for your feelings.
- Now, other folks can stimulate those feelings with what they do, but you are responsible for how you interpret and react to those stimulations.
- What may make you feel anger or frustration may make someone else feel gratitude. — Your feelings are an intersection of what people are doing and what your needs are at the moment
For example — If you are sitting home on a Saturday night with your family and no one is speaking or interacting with each other, maybe people are on their phones, reading, or watching television.
· If my need at this time is to have more connection, I may feel frustrated that we aren’t speaking or interacting with each other
· On the other hand, if my need is for solace, I may feel content we aren’t speaking or interacting with each other
2. Empathy — You can make better connections with people by investing yourself and time to understand their feelings
- Just trying to be empathetic is often enough — you may get it all wrong, but the effort you put into understanding someone else is often enough to make a connection and let them know you care about their feelings and needs.
For example — Your wife is sitting home on a Saturday night with the family, and no one is speaking or interacting with each other; maybe people are on their phones, reading, or watching television.
· She says, “I can’t believe everyone is on their phones. This is supposed to be family time.”
· I could say, “It sounds like you are frustrated the family isn’t connecting. Is that right?” and work to understand her feelings and needs that aren’t being met.
· Then, you can discuss what can be done to meet her needs. Maybe it’s not something right away, but tomorrow or later in the week, we can plan to play a board game or carve out no screen time.
3. Gratitude — Showing deep gratitude
- People are taught to say thank you and be polite, which is great. I believe manners are the oil that keeps the cogs of society running smoothly.
- I want to share a technique in the book that supercharges showing appreciation. In three parts, you communicate to the person you are showing appreciation to.
- What did the person do that you are appreciative of
- How did the action make you feel
- What need of yours did it meet
For example
· My family is sitting home on a Saturday, and no one is speaking or interacting with each other; maybe people are on their phones, reading, or watching television
· I feel frustrated because I want us to have a better connection, and my wife notices. She suggests then persuades the kids that we should go on a family walk.
· Later that evening or the next day, I could say something like
· I want to say thank you for suggesting the family walk yesterday
· I felt content and happy that we went on a walk together. My heart is full.
· It met the need I have for us to be closer and better connected as a family.
That’s it. Thanks for reading, and I hope this inspires you to take a minute or two to build better connections with those around you.